Friday, April 6, 2012
Feminists, and Soccer Moms... (And Possibly YOU Too, Because the List of Crap That Pisses Me Off Doesn't Stop There)
I'm going to start this off by saying that I was going to write a kick ass freaking article about last night's Bruins game, and how F'ing awesome I thought the Providence Bruins goaltender Anton Khudobin played in net, after being brought up for last night's game.
However, it seems I am going to have to put that idea on hold temporarily, because immediately after logging onto facebook (to update myself on the stupid shit the world is up to), I stumbled across an interesting looking article on my news feed, written by Barstool Sports. After giving it a read (and in turn, wanting to punch a hole through the F'ing wall in my landlord's lovely home that he and his wife so generously rent out to me), I decided that I had to steal it and write an article of my own on the particular subject-- Which I guarantee you will be quite similar in nature to the original... but in 'Dan-Style.' Check out the article for yourself if you want (Ryan Gosling Saves a Feminist Writer’s Life So She Says “Thanks” By Lecturing America on How Stupid and Sexist We Are ), as it serves to be an appropriate segue to my own.
Let's get this fucking show on the goddamn road...
Feminist groups and women's rights activists...
You are some of the most disgusting, absurd, and down-right ridiculous idiots I've ever, in my life, been forced to tolerate- as you pretend to be just, righteous, and revolutionary members of society. I find this absolutely RIDICULOUS to even have to specify, but I find women to be, without a doubt, equal members of society. I only say this so that the dumbass, girl-power, nut job who may happen to read this doesn't attempt to have my balls cut off for being sexist. Not only do I find women to be deserving of rights equal to that of men, in every way.... but I'm not sure I have ever even witnessed (in my lifetime) any real treatment towards women to prove the contrary. This is a completely dead and irrelevant battle unless you grew up pre-1960s. Yet, somehow, we still have mobs of women's rights activists showing up with signs and crew-cut hair every time a woman is some how 'mistreated.' Guess what? Whatever happened to cause that mistreatment was not a result of a society attempting to repress women. I hate to tell you...
I am a firefighter- One of the most male-dominated professions in the world. Ask me if I have a problem with the fact that there are female firefighters out there. I will tell you without hesitation, absolutely... not! As would be the opinion of nearly every firefighter I know. AS LONG as:
1) they are physically capable of doing the job, and
2) they are mentally prepared for and OK with doing a job that requires you to live with, and work extremely close to a group comprised predominantly of males (which means accepting the actions and humor that may, or may not come with the territory. Hey that's just the way it is. Women act one way around each other, men act another way around each other. If you don't like that then it's not a feminist issue we have to deal with-- it's an issue of biology, and more importantly, being outnumbered.)
Yet still, the feminist groups will riot and protest if a woman is turned down for a firefighting, police, corrections, construction or any other sort of male-oriented job--which is the reason for several cases in the past, of physical job requirements being lessened for women so that they could pass and attain a specific job (regardless of the fact that they were physically incompetent).
But in a similar fashion to the feminists, they always seem to be out there (with that piece of crap Al Sharpton leading the way), protesting, trying to get their faces on TV and turning every situation into a pity game about how blacks are grossly mistreated in this country. Again, this isn't the 1960's-- get over it. Most of you don't even know shit about real hard times, or what your your grandparents or ancestors unfortunately had to endure.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
This is what's going to happen when I win the $640,000,000 Mega Millions:
I am flying (non-stop, first class, because I could do that) straight to the most highly recommended cardiologist-- or cardio-surgeon -- in the world, and I am investing in the strongest heart ever known to man. I'm talking about 'living to see two hundred years old,' strong. I am going to have this sucker implanted square into my chest cavity, and have my current one ripped out (although not before having it cloned and bronzed, so that it may one day be placed into some great hall for having belonged to one of the baddest mother fuckers alive). from there I will proceed to engage in a series of supremely bad ideas...................... because I can. I mean I have a super-human fucking heart, man...!
I'm a twenty-six year old firefighter. I go to the gym four days a week. You would think I am healthy, and I suppose you would be right, except that I have the blood pressure of a forty or fifty year old. I would venture to guess that that's what happens when it runs in your family...... or when you're always angry...... or when you served in the Marine Corps....... or used to smoke a pack of cigarettes (plus) and chew a tin of tobacco, per day....... or drink whiskey like it was glacier water to a freaking cactus. So what did I have to do to ensure that I would one day live to meet my grand children, and maybe hold onto my career that I've worked so hard for? I quit chew... I quit smoking... I cut back on drinking.... I changed my diet a little... and I took up blogging!
So this sucker (talking about the heart again) is going to be strong. The strongest ever. And it's going to be expensive as hell to install. So to celebrate, the first thing I am going to do afterwards is about seven or eight shots... straight. Then, I'm going to get good and pissed off (which I am fucking Good at). It's hard to imagine getting pissed when you just hit the lottery for $600,000,000 but I'll figure it out. After all, I'll be just waking up from surgery, I'll be all groggy and discombobulated... and drunk on top of it. Yea, I'll figure it out. I'll most likely go into work the next day (or whenever my next shift is) because for one... I won't quit my job (honestly, what would we do without work? Ask a retiree how they like their life). Also, because I sure as shit won't want anyone to find out I just hit the lottery for $600,000,000. You really just don't want that kind of publicity or those kind of friends.
Next, I would do some responsible things like pay off all my debt, maybe go back to school (prob not), and pay for me and my fiance's dream house in full. Because I would want to get that out of the way before I blow millions on stupid crap like the casino and building the ultimate man cave (or four) in my attic....... and basement, back yard and in the bed of my damn truck. Or seeing that I'm such a cheap prick right now and refuse to even buy myself new clothes, maybe I'll spend ridiculous amounts of dollars on new wardrobes for no reason, like the celebrities do. I'm pretty sure I heard recently that Lil Wayne owns a pair of head phones worth upwards of $100K. Yea, I'm going to do that. Then I'm going to sell them to some other asshole for a $100K and bitch slap myself for being so stupid. Because I can.
And let's not forget the charities..... (Yea, I'm fucking serious. Grow a heart asshole, or borrow my old one).
Oh, and I'm going to purchase the rights to 'The Jersey Shore.'
And cancel it.
I guess the bottom line here is that when I win the $600,000,000 Mega Millions I'm going to have some fun, which lately I haven't really done too often. And I'm going to do it with no financial concerns (no shit) and no health concerns (thanks to my new ticker). But I'm not going to change... much. Ok, yea I'm going to change... a lot. But whatever, I'll be so filthy rich I won't give a shit's stink what you think. hahahahahaha-
Wait, wait... it's twelve fucking forty in the morning and Mega Millions was drawn already. I have yet to hear any screaming from anyone I played my numbers with. Somebody explain to me how the fuck this happened!!! I honestly didn't see this coming. I figured with all the hype and everyone buying tickets, this was a sure thing! Fuck me right? Fuck my heart, and rock on with Pauly D and Snooki. Scratch everything I said..................... I care what you think. You're still cool.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Anyway, as much as we all love this show I (personally) have several issues with the way this Season 2 and Season 2 Finale went down. And the list goes a little something like this (in no particular order):
#1) Five to ten minutes of show time, five to ten minutes of commercials-
This may be a shot at AMC, but shit, AMC is the network that produced the show. If there is one thing I cannot stand it is commercials. They piss me off in the worst way. If there's a second thing I cannot stand it is a commercial break five minutes after the last one.
#2) Mid-Season Finale-
The show took like what, two months off just when it was getting good? For what? To piss you the fuck off. Mid-season finales are stupid! It's bad enough that there are end of season finales, after which we have to wait months (if not a full year) for the following season to air, but now..... hahaha suckers, we get to look forward to a two-month break in the middle for no good reason. Maybe they were worried we would get bored of the intestinal munching, brain sucking, head exploding free-for-all...
#3) Andrea (character)-
Who, you ask?? If you have not read the comic or done your research you were probably asking yourself what the hell was up with the hooded, wannabe Robin Hood/wannabe ninja with the 2 zombie love slaves at the very end of the finale??? Well, that was apparently a character named Michonne. Nobody (as far as I can tell) with any sort of relevance to the story, except that she's a black girl who likes to wear hooded capes, slice up zombies with a sword, and walk around with two chained up zombies with no arms for protection. The problem I had with her introduction is that they revolved the end of the finale around it. When you create a movie or tv show based on a comic you cannot presume that your entire audience has read the comic, because there's a good chance most of them haven't. When you leave us with the cliff hanger of some hooded hero (to be revealed later) and we haven't read the story previously, we tend to believe it's at least going to be someone we have met before in the show: someone of significance- Maybe a long lost character returning from no where. What other good reason could there be for the suspense? Well die hard fans... apparently this one was for you. But I'm pretty disappointed.
#5) The Anticlimactic Finale-
Anyway, the show is still badass and obviously you can disagree with me on ANY particular point. After all, I am only one man, as it is all that I claim to be. The characters can be annoying babies, or dickheads, but I love the show regardless of it's flaws. Season 3 is going to be fun, and I for one can't freaking wait. Feel free to leave comments below
Monday, March 19, 2012
Hide Your Kids... Hide Your Wife... Hide Your Husband-- They Knocking Down Your Windows, They SMASHING Yo People Up!
We are talking about the end of the world here baby!!
What? What do you mean Again?? You, you mean we've had this talk before? Seriously? But we're still alive... I don't get it.
Anyway, it was offered up to me as a suggestion that I write an article about the 2012 Doomsday Theories, because let's face it, that is some fun shit to discuss. Who doesn't like a little 'we're all gonna die/end of the world,' talk. Hell I thought "Armageddon" was an awesome flick (aside from Liv Tyler, she sucks something awful). However, I will be the first to admit, when this idea was offered up to me I had absolutely no clue what I would say on the subject. I thought to myself, how do you write a full and entertaining article explaining to people that they are huge tools if they believe in this crap? Then I thought, that probably wouldn't be very polite anyway. So I started doing some (limited) research on the topic-- seeing that I haven't even so much as seen the movie "2012," and therefore had no fucking clue as to what these prophecies even happen to be.
I stumbled across an article on Discovery News, by a guy named Ray Villard who debunked up to ten of the most popular of these prophecies, through either scientific or just plain logical facts. I will pick my own personal top five from these to discuss. Mainly because ten would take too damn long.
So lets get down to business...
ESCHATOLOGY- The Online Etymology Dictionary defines this as the theological study of the four last things: death, judgment, heaven, hell. In other words, it is the study of the end of the world. (1)
There are many religions and many different eschatological views to go along with them. How many times have we heard on the news that some looney-toon religious zealot was predicting the end of days, only to find out that... well, he was just a looney-toon, religious zealot predicting the end of days? The eschatological view surrounding the 2012 Doomsday stems from the ancient Mayans, and their calendar which is set to end on December 21, 2012 after a 5,126 year era-- marking the end of the world (or the world as we know it, to some of you freaks out there). It is believed by many that the Mayans ended their calendar cycle at that time because they predicted (through astronomical and religious means) that it would be on that day, and on that year, that the world would come to an end (2). Which is funny, because I suppose it's the fact that they are ancient that makes them far more enlightened than us. Like Ray Villard says in his article "Top 10 Reasons Why The World Won't End In 2012"-
1) Polar Shift-
2) "Planet X (Nibiru)" Will Come By For A Visit-
It was theorized by the Mayans that our solar system will pass by a black hole in the center of the Milky Way Galaxy at the time of our inevitable doom, and suck us in completely obliterating our existence. Black holes are a scientifically recognized anomaly, so ultimately it is a fate that is never out of the realm of possibility. However, according to astronomers (who are essentially rocket scientists. You know... some of the most brilliant minds on the face of the planet) estimate that if that were to ever occur it most likely would not be for several billion years (3). That's a lot of 2012's away...
4) Galactic Alignment-
"PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWERS!!" (Robin Williams as the Genie? No?) Ok basically at the point of this galactic alignment, which actually has two different theories associated with it, there will be a COSMIC GRAVITATIONAL FORCE that will cause earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, tsunamis, hurricanes, tornadoes and basically everything else generally contained in the typical end-of-Earth type movie. In one of these theories our solar system will fall perfectly dead-center on the galactic equator (the imaginary circle outlining what is the dead center of the galaxy) both horizontally as well as vertically, so that basically we will be dead center in the galaxy, and all of the mass within the galaxy will be surrounding us. phew!! You got that? In the other theory, Jupiter and Saturn with align with one another, causing gravitational upheaval in a similar fashion. All I got to say is fuck you space. Tell me why we all can't just get along...
5) General Total Destruction-
But in all seriousness. For in-depth debunking of all these theories visit this website
Saturday, March 17, 2012
"Cuz Everone Could Use A Little More 'Me' In Their Lives..." (A Writer's Update, And Challenge To YOU -- The Reader)
This is the most informal article I am going to post since the creation of my blog last month (Feb, 2012).
Firstly, I got to say I have no complaints about the results I've received so far. In JUST over a month this blog has received nearly 850 views. With the help of facebook friends and folks on reddit.com I have gotten the attention of many people all across the world-- spanning nearly ten different countries, and all across America.
Now, I am not stupid or naive enough to believe that 850 people read through and liked every article I had on display. No. I'm aware that some people may have just clicked on an article that I linked somewhere, and either decided that it was too long, or not of interest, and immediately left. But... guess what people? I've gotten the views. And I've also gotten a lot of positive feedback.
|Yes, the ever elusive ass clown.|
Unfortunately this could
hahaha, JUST KIDDING...
Anyway, I understand how that particular aspect of the blog makes it hard to follow for many people- seeing that I write about whatever I want, and everyone has different interests. I could post something about sports one day, and attract the attention of a certain group, and then post something about the Marines, or zombies, or freaking Victoria's Secret the next, and attract a completely different group. My willingness to write about any topic is good for me as a writer... but bad for the construction of a set, loyal fan base.
My point is this... I like to write (in case you really haven't noticed). And I can write about anything interesting, especially if I can bitch about it. I am twenty-six years old and have a severe intolerance for an abundance of things. I hate more things than I probably like, and that makes for an entertaining media personality. I'm in good shape, and yet still have high blood pressure for my age. Writing helps me vent, and remove built up aggression without ripping the walls down, punching someone in their suck hole, or diving into a handle of Jack Daniels. Television/movies, sports, music, literature... you name it-- all fair game in my eyes. If I have any knowledge or opinion of the subject then I can write an interesting article about it.
So I came up with this idea for an experiment, and I'm going to lay my "huge, amazing reputation" on the line. I want ideas for upcoming writing content, and I want you to help me out. I want to know what it is you want to read about. To anyone out there who still enjoys reading, this shouldn't be too pressing of a favor to ask of you. Now what I'm going to do is put myself out on a limb and lay claim right now to the funniest, and/or most entertaining article you've ever read (pertaining to the particular subject I pick out of the results you give me).
In other words... if I receive an abundance of 'votes' for "subject x," and as a result I pick "subject x" to write about, I am saying right now that I will write the most entertaining article that you've ever read (on that particular subject).
If this proves to be a worth-while and successful project then I will perform it again (and again) every so often, for as long as it continues to be a success. That way, several different people will be able to find an entertainment value in what I have to say. For this to work I will need participation (and I understand this is for me more than you, but your support is appreciated). I need views, reads, comments, ideas. I need you to read through my blog and see if there are any ideas that you found interesting on there. If so, leave comments beneath the article (this one included) or leave your topic suggestions on my facebook post. Take my survey on the right side of my blog page. I am trying to build up a reputation so that I can write for a vast audience, and you can help me with that.
Cuz let's face it, everyone could use a little more me in their lives...
Thursday, March 15, 2012
What I am about to say is an absolutely absurd and harsh reality...
As a matter of fact, it is a reality that back in November and December was about as visible or predictable as an alternate dimension. For Bruins fans that painful reality is this-- Boston may very well end up missing the playoffs this year!
If you haven't been following of late (maybe after letting your guard down, and figuring that you would just see them in June) I have bad news for you-- your Bruins are merely one point away from finding themselves in seventh place in the Eastern Conference Standings. In fact, the one and only thing that has maintained their (current) second-place standing is the fact that they have managed to hold onto the lead in what has proved to be a very sub-par North East Division this year. But with only 83 points, and a win/loss record below .500 since January 1, they are actually only proving 2 things: 1) that they are only the fifth best team in the conference (record-wise); and 2) that right now they are nothing more than a streaky, mediocre team, having played more crappy games throughout the last two months than good ones.
With the Ottawa Senators trailing them by just one measly point in the East, they are staring (depressingly)- at their truly-deserved position of seventh- square in the face. With twelve games remaining in their season, and looking nothing short of disgusting, it would not come as a surprise if the defending Stanley Cup champs fell completely out of the eight-team playoff race. These guys plain and simple, have zero confidence or fire in their game. I would go on and explain what it is about their game that is causing their struggles, but frankly, it's everything.
-Their goal tending sucks!- Tim Thomas is looking no more than human this season, and with Rask out and that joke of a goal-tender Marty Turco between the pipes, they are allowing a handful of goals per game, or more.
-They are turning the puck over non stop.
-They are less-than-opportunistic in front of the net, and failing to put the puck in the goal when given the chance-- which (by the way) is a F'ING understatement!
-There is zero aggression or physicality in their play. The Big Bad What?? I've asked that question previously this season, and I ask it again.
It is all bullshit. If someone doesn't light a fire under these guys' asses, and soon, there will be no playoff hockey for the city of Boston this year. Or... we will be a one-and-done bounce against a team like the Rangers or Pittsburgh. That is unacceptable. You do NOT go from the team of November/December to this crap that we're forced to watch now. There is... no... excuse.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Pink Hat Fan- A pink hat red sox fan is typically female and trendy. However, most are bandwagon fans who have just latched on the recent success of the Red Sox (wikianswers.com)
Where were you in 2003- before the Red Sox ever won a World Series title in your life-time? Where were you in 2007- prior to the Celtics winning their first championship in twenty-two years? Where were you in 2010- when there was no fun, million-person Bruins parade to attend because the they had not drank from the Stanley Cup since 1972? And where were you in 1999- the year before your Patriots would win their first ever Super Bowl- and go on to become the most dominant NFL franchise of decade?
Where were you before Boston became America's greatest sports city of the 2000's?
For many of you the answer is simple-- "I was stuck waiting in line."
You were waiting in line to grab your boarding pass for the Boston-bound band-wagon. 2004... the year of the "pink hat." What a time that was, right? The Red Sox had won their first world series within the lifetime of anyone who didn't personally experience WWI. Now, I have to give credit where credit is due for this one. We Red Sox fans are some crazy, loyal folk, and there is really no denying that the Sox have perhaps one of the greatest fan bases in all of sports. Maybe it's the history, or the unbelievable names that have graced the field at Fenway over the years. I'm sure the reason is different for everybody. But there is also no denying that Fenway Park became a significantly more popular place to visit after '04. Suddenly, the stands were littered with college-aged kids sporting their camouflage themed Red Sox hats, singing "Sweet (fucking) Caroline" (stupid assholes), and girls with their pink colored Sox hats and jerseys (which was funny, because last time I checked NEITHER of those two were EVER the team's colors). It was around this time that the term "pink hat," was adopted for bandwagon jumping Boston fans-- People who had little to no interest in the team before they started winning championships.
Now that's not to say that they disliked the team. No, it just means that a lot of them either never got into the team because there was nothing "exciting" about them, or they lied dormant for years because they lost interest due to a lack of success. See there's a funny characteristic about human beings... everyone wants to be a part of success, and the celebration that comes with it. Just ask all these stupid "dance moms," or other parents that desperately try to burst their children into the spotlight or into Hollywood. Everybody likes someone famous. Take a look at Twitter. I could guarantee you that that red-light district reject, semi-retarded, oompa loompa Snooki, has a Twitter account. You know... the Snooki from the Jersey Shore (the show that turned Italy into yet another country to hate Americans)? Now... when this idiot tweets about what she had for breakfast today (which is pretty fucking epic information), thousands of these pink-hat-type sheep are going to comment, retweet and share (or whatever the F'ing Hell else they do) so as to feed into her, because they want to be part of the hype. It's just the way things work.
There were over one-MILLION people that attended the Bruins' championship parade this past summer in Boston. People were camping out the night before to get a decent spot, taking the T into the city at five in the morning, not getting out of the city until six or seven that night... and for what? A team that they had ZERO interest in until last season's playoff run. This has not been a hockey town since before I can even remember, and I personally know people who were there who could not tell you what an offside, icing, or boarding call is, or name a Bruins player other than "that tall guy Chara" or Tim Thomas. I personally am a huge Bruins fan, and I remember (not more than two seasons ago) being able to go to several (regular season) games per year, sit center-ice/balcony at the Garden for forty dollars a ticket, and see at least one out of every three seats empty. Guess how many games I've been to this year...
For seventy or eighty some-odd dollars per ticket for crappy seats, I'm well enough watching the game at home and paying some bills that week. And you know who I blame? Yup, I blame that yuppie broad in the front row behind the benches who's there with her business-man husband (sporting her freshly bought Bruins shirt, just for the occasion), trying not to look too bored, and texting her friends at home to look for her on TV.
Now some of you might look at this and be like, OK... come on now! This is a ridiculous topic. It is irrelevant and unimportant. Or lighten up... sports are just for entertainment, for everyone to enjoy.
I would say this- you're absolutely right. I suppose it's only natural for things to work out that way. I mean, everyone likes watching movies. But not everyone likes watching boring or bad movies, right? I suppose you could say the same thing for sports, which I would also suppose is the reason there are so many Cowboys, or Steelers fans in New England. You folks could not be a fan to a mediocre, atrocity of a team like the Patriots back when they sucked, so you found interest in better, bigger-franchise teams. Then, when your teams in-turn started to suck (as is the natural circle of things) you got mad and grew a hatred for the Patriots. And let me tell you something... I am not buying this hatred for the Patriots franchise being attributed to the Brady/Belichick era. Otherwise, what the hell was your excuse before they got here?
Exactly, they were just BAD. That's all... just bad. And bad doesn't win everyone's love. You could say the same for Yankee fans too. If you are not from New York it is practically a crime to like the Yankees in this state.
But people... still... do... (hmmm, scratching chin)
It was just "a better movie to watch" at one time- With a better ending. The problem ultimately lies with people like me who are a more-than-average sports fan. See... when people like me see their teams lose, we get angry, sad, or just all around perturbed. Then, when this jack-ass fan posts on facebook "it's OK Pats, great season, we'll get them next year," it creates a desire inside us to see them slip on some black ice and fall face first into a pile of green dog shit. Because if this team is something that you are truly a fan of, then it is also a hobby. It is something that you follow- daily -throughout the course of an entire season, and put stock into. You put time, and effort, and money into your teams (watching, studying, attending games, buying merchandise) and hoping that ultimately your team will end up on top in the end, because that is the idea. You don't want to settle for mediocrity, just like you wouldn't if you were a painter, or a musician. Obviously it's a little bit different because it's not you personally, but honestly, why watch otherwise? So yea, I want to be F'ING PISSED when the Pats lose the Super Bowl, or the Sox suffer an epic September collapse, or the Celtics or Bruins get bounced in the first round of the playoffs!
And guess what else? I don't want you (who's pretending to be a fan) saying "oh well, we'll get them next year." Because clearly you didn't invest the time that you claimed to have, otherwise you would be as pissed off as me!
Ultimately, it comes down to pride and representation...
We all live and/or grew up in a particular state. If you're fortunate enough to live in a state with professional sports teams it only makes sense to me to be a fan of those teams (if you are in fact a sports fan). They represent your home. The players don't (which is unfortunate), but the team does. What significance does Dallas, or Pittsburgh, or Las Angeles, or New York have to you if you live in New England? You stick with your teams because you should take as much pride in them as you hopefully do in your home. As an American you really don't root for anyone but the United States in the Olympics, unless you're a green horn... It has nothing to do with how good America performs. If Kony's boys in Uganda smoke us in the hundred meter you don't turn around and dismiss the U.S., or become a Uganda fan. What makes this any different? You want to be a fan? Be a fan. Don't linger, flip-flop, or wait for the party bus and band-wagon. Remember asshole, it isn't about the destination, it's about the journey. And if you are from where I am from... the journey started, and finishes in Boston.
*By the way, just kidding about the asshole comment. Kinda. I mean you probably are a douche if this applies to you, but I guess it doesn't necessarily have to...
...And I 'm aware than I have pretty much all pictures of girls, and girly accessories on here, which would probably lead you to believe I think this only of the female fans. Not true. You ladies just make it so easy with the shit you wear and the crap you do at sports events. But let it be know, guys are equally bad*
Monday, March 5, 2012
I'll start this off by pointing out that last night me and my fiance were in bed, watching tv- The one that gets all eleven channels of basic cable (Exactly. What do you know about hard times?). For some odd reason there is no comcast wired into the bedrooms in our apartment. No big deal, can't complain, my 52" in the living room gets everything. Anyway... one of the channels we do get in the bedroom is that 'Ion Television' channel. You may know it for always playing 'Criminal Minds' (a favorite of ours), a bunch of other crappy shows, and (actually) some pretty decent movies. Well, 'Jarhead' happened to be playing when I turned on the tv, so with limited options and wanting something to fall asleep to I kept it on, and watched it for... shit, probably the fifteen thousandth time. If you are NOT a Marine, are curious about the Marine Corps, are maybe thinking about possibly joining the Marine Corps, or are in any other way associated with the Marine Corps, I urge you to watch this movie. Any Marine will tell you, straight forward, it is probably the most accurate movie portrayal of the Marines ever made (except maybe the boot camp part, which in reality is a million times worse).
Now I"m not talking about the war aspect of it. Shit, every war is different, and every war is different for every individual, so I do not mean the combat part (or lack thereof). What I am talking about is nearly every other depiction. I am talking about the attitude/personality of the Marines, the regulations and routine instilled upon them by their unit, the bull shit punishments and mind-fuck games when they screwed up, the pride, the raunchiness of their behavior- all of it. It is a damn-near spitting image of the real thing. If that does not appeal to you.... take a f!&*ing number, it sure as shit isn't for everybody.
"Suggested techniques for the marine to use in the avoidance of boredom and loneliness: Masturbation. Rereading of letters from unfaithful wives and girlfriends. Cleaning your rifle. Further masturbation. Rewiring Walkman. Arguing about religion and meaning of life. Discussing in detail, every woman the marine has ever fucked. Debating differences, such as Cuban vs. Mexican, Harleys vs. Hondas, left- vs. right-handed masturbation. Further cleaning of rifle. Studying of phillipino mail order bride catalogue. Further masturbation. Planning of marine's first meal on return home. Imagining what a marine's girlfriend and her man Jody are doing in the hay, or in the alley, or in a hotel bed."
I have to say that I was not an active duty Marine. I was in the Marine Reserves for six years. What does that mean? It means that I did not live on a base, I did not do my job every day, my entire life did not revolve around being a Marine. At least, not exactly. What I did do was go through the same exact boot camp as every other Marine (thirteen weeks, Parris Island), the same exact job school as every other Marine in my occupational specialty, maintain the same exact standards and qualifications as any other Marine (i.e. swim qual, rifle range, PFT, written tests, MCMAP, etc) yearly, and serve in the same war as every other Marine (for me it was Operation Iraqi Freedom, version 8-2, 2008-2009).
But outside of war time, I went to drill only one weekend a month, and to training for two-weeks every summer. Some Marines look down upon that. I say whatever, blow me, I had a life besides.
What I experienced (even in the Reserves) I would qualify as a legitimate Marine Corps experience. The feel (although maybe slightly more relaxed), was very similar to that of active duty. I can say this seeing that I did spend a year on active duty when I deployed. It is a feeling that no part of me misses.
(except for that one huge part of me)
Ironic? Hahaha you have no idea, and you will most likely never, fully understand.
You see, serving in the Marines has this unique way of being one of the best experiences that a patriotic, border-line-insane human being can ever have, and then make you regret ever being born in the same day. When I deployed to Iraq in '08 I kept a journal. Over two years after my return I re-read it, and then added a final entry upon my retirement from the Corps:
The one thing I can say, looking back, even though I never killed any ‘bad guys’ is that I was and always will be, a Marine. I served. I did my part. I lived through the bull shit, the mind-fuck, the physical stress, and the admiration of others (both friend and enemy) that you receive from serving in the Marine Corps. Looking back on both my 6 years in the Corps, and my 2008-2009 deployment to Iraq, I realize how much more I could share in terms of experiences, that would just about make you piss your pants laughing, or shit your pants in shock or fear. I loved my friends/BROTHERS. I hated my deployment. I HATED boot camp. I hated the Marine Corps…… And the funny thing is… although I probably wouldn’t do it all again, I sure as shit wouldn’t change a thing.
I fucking hated the Marine Corps…… And for that, I thank it- For the memories, and for who I am today- a Marine, a Veteran… a BAD ASS MOTHER F*ER!" - (personal journal)
All Marines: Yes, Staff Sergeant!
SSgt. Siek: Will you be able to one day say, "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for I am the BADDEST mother fucker in the God damn valley?"
All Marines: Yes, Staff Sergeant!
SSgt. Siek: We shall fucking see." - (Jarhead)
I ran a sub-nineteen minute three-mile when I was in my prime. I did nearly twenty-five pull-ups, and easily did one-hundred (plus) crunches in two minutes, and was easily in the best shape of my life, and more fit than nearly anyone else I knew. My job was Motor-T (or motor transportation). What that means is that I was a convoy driver (or) convoy turret gunner. I was licensed to operate three different trucks, and what we did was drive in various re-supply/combat patrol missions. We would be on the road for stretches of several hours, to several days at a time, depending on our destination. I spent time on more bases than I can even remember. I made trips to bases that didn't even have running water at times, and bases (usually Army or Air Force) that had malls, video games, and Internet. I saw every side of Iraq imaginable-- desolate, arid, dead, and violent. As well as green, aquatic and relatively nice. I saw poor, I saw wealthy. I witnessed suicide bombers blow themselves up in their cars, and children beat the living shit out of each other for a bottle of Gatorade.
In my job our biggest threat was the IED (Improvised Explosive Device), or road-side bomb to most of you- although it wasn't too bad while we were there. I won't get into too much detail about this, because this really isn't as much about the war as it is about the Marine Corps in general. The war, well shit that could be it's own article all in itself.
SSgt Siek: [to the Marines]
"The Bible says "Thou shalt not kill." But hear this: FUCK THAT SHIT!" -(Jarhead)
Anyway, the one thing I wanted more than anything while I was there was to kill someone (as sick as that may sound to you). If you don't like it than you have to keep something in mind, something very particular to the Marine Corps. We are here to win wars. Plain and simple. The one, sole purpose of the Marine Corps in to kill whatever enemy steps onto our lawn and threatens our lives or freedom. We are here to do this, for you. Marines are bred to love the idea of killing bad guys, but it is fair to say that Marines, in a way, are Marines before they even step on the yellow footprints at boot camp. You generally do not join the Marine Corps unless you want to kill bad guys. There is three other branches of the U.S. military that would love to make your acquaintance regardless of your disposition on killing.
--MGen. Frank E. Lowe, USA; Korea, 26 January 1952
I regret to inform you however, that I never actually killed a bad guy. Wasn't meant to be I guess. I did however learn some extremely important facts/lessons throughout the course of that year. In short, I learned that:
#1) The Marine Corps will bend you over in ways you would have never thought possible,and slide the green weenie right up between your cheeks. And it will do it time, and time again. If you have ever thought you have lived through discomfort in your life you better have been homeless at one point or another before you complain to a Marine. I'm talking about being left standing in formations for hours at a time in the sun because your superior officers think it's more important to take their time and do what they want to do. I'm talking about living with no running water, because the Marine Corps gets the shit end of the stick for all technology or luxuries given to the U.S. military. I'm talking about deploying with your unit, only to find out days before you leave the country that you (alone) will be separated and tossed out to some other unit somewhere else once you get there (where you're going no one knows... when you'll be back? No one knows that either). I'm talking about filling sandbags in 130 degree heat as a punishment, or cleaning up trash (IN IRAQ) because your gunnery sergeant doesn't like the look of it near his compound. I'm talking about strict uniform regulations while you're at war, just like you would back in the states. Why? Because your commanding officer wants everyone looking professional (this isn't "Platoon." No bandannas, sleeveless shirts, grown out hair, beards... nothing like that. Just disregard ANY war movie you've ever seen).
--Karen Aquilar, in the U.S. Embassy; Mogadishu, Somalia, 1991
I'll say it again... I hated the Marine Corps…… And the funny thing is… although I probably wouldn’t do it all again, I sure as shit wouldn’t change a thing.
I fucking hated the Marine Corps…… And for that, I thank it- For the memories, and for who I am today- a Marine, a Veteran… a BAD ASS MOTHER F*ER!"
Monday, February 27, 2012
I, along with millions of others, unfortunately am not...
I cannot say one way or another whether my demise was ultimately for the better, or the worse. I can say, living in this new world was a burden I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy...
I can only pray that for myself... I am truly dead.
I can only pray that for you... you live to see a cure. Or... find yourself amongst the angels...
My hope... is that you never find yourself wandering. Alone, angry, insufferably hungry... neither alive, or dead.
Best of luck to you, and whomever may be fortunate (or unfortunate) enough to still be fighting... To be loving... To be living...
Heed my following words and God speed.........................................
Zombies... walkers... geeks... infected... undead... flesh-eaters... hungerers... (or whatever the Hell else you may happen to call them), are taking over the country! They have, in fact, been doing so for years, and it appears that there is no end anywhere in the foreseeable future.
Zombie movies are... well let's just say they're f***ing awesome. This idea of crazed, mindless, ever-hungry, man-eating corpses has been embedded into our society's horror-psyche for as long as vampires and werewolves have resided in Transylvania (much to the burden, by now, of them poor Romanian folks I'm sure). I could list all of the zombie-related movies that have been filmed since the birth of horror, but that quite frankly would take more patience than I possess. But when thinking about that genre, honestly, who doesn't love the appeal? That 'last stand' feeling you get when you watch a character held up in some raggedy, post-apocalyptic house, all boarded up, with nothing but a shotgun or two, fighting to keep out an entire mob of decaying soccer moms that are trying to rip out, and chow down on, his or her intestines (everything evil stems from soccer moms). It is a thing of beauty, no doubt.
What is it about this that appeals to us though? Is it the zombies themselves?
If so, let's take a quick look at the zombie and analyze what it is about them that really gets our juices flowing...
In most zombie movies and now TV shows (The Walking Dead), zombies have this sort of lovable charm to them. That is... in that quirky, disgusting, clumsy sort of way. They always have this way of making you want to laugh a little, and maybe give them a hug and tell em to keep their chin up. Maybe it's the stumbling around like an alcoholic after a long night, or the dirty moaning sounds and blank stares like a young porn star unwittingly forced into a sex scene with Ron Jeremy. There's something extremely pathetic about their situation and ultimately makes you a little sympathetic towards them.
On the other hand... they eat you. And if they don't, and you manage to fight them off and get away, you better hope to God that they didn't scratch and/or bite you. If they did, enjoy cannibalism and skin decay. I think that, more so than anything else is what makes zombies so appealing and scary to the average viewer. It is the idea of a never ending darkness, where only a hunger for the living prevails, and from which there is no escaping. It is death... but worse. And it comes in the form of an angry mob that enjoys ripping you to pieces with it's bare hands and teeth.
The zombie does not think, it does not feel (pain or emotion). It has no agenda, no plot. It runs purely on instinct and evil, and aside from destroying the brain, it cannot be killed. If you cut it in half, the top half continues to claw it's way toward you with it's hands, hoping to get a taste of your flesh. It is evil... in it's simplest form.
And because it is not real, we love it!!
But you tell me... Is that the reason why we love these types of movies/shows? Or does it beyond the ghoulish grave-risers, and branch off to an idea a little bit more primitive and anarchistic?
If this topic isn't your cup o' tea or you a unfamiliar, then allow me to explain the basic theme of almost any zombie movie--
--It is a post-apocalyptic world. At some point, somewhere along the line, a virus of some sort broke out and infected a large group of people. Those people got sick and died. Except wait... as it turns out they didn't... die. Ok yes, they DID die! They are just returning from the dead and in turn, attacking the living! Ok good, so as these living/dead "people" wander the Earth relentlessly seeking to eat the living, they infect more and more people by either biting them, or in some other way mixing DNA. As it usually turns out, the number of zombies becomes so large that they overrun pretty much everything, including police municipalities and the military.
What you are left with, by the time the movie either starts, or gets good, is maybe several small bands of survivors, scattered around the 'world,' searching for a place that is still normal. They roam the desolate and morbidly quiet cities and neighborhoods, where cars are crashed or parked right in the middle of streets and highways, and houses are ransacked. Bodies of the deceased can be found everywhere, and zombies roam freely, walking wherever they choose, eating whatever they get there hands on. There is no more television, no more radio, no more shopping, no more hospitals or doctors. There is pretty much nothing, and nobody. Just... yes, pure anarchy!
Here is my 'solid explanation number two' as to why we love zombie flicks-- It comes down to basic animal instincts. As detrimental as it would be to the existence of the human species, what is one thing that every person ultimately wants in various different ways?
Zombie movies set the stage for the ideal game of "extreme laser tag, paintball, capture the flag, etc." Imagine for a second having an excuse to carry a shit-load of weapons, shoot things without remorse, wander into any place you want without repercussion, and take whatever you want without worrying about money. Put that together with the ultimate survival, "man vs. wild"-type reality show and you get animals, just as they were meant to be.
This is an amazing scenario in theory, on screen, and in our minds. We know damn well what a world like this would be like with nearly four billion people all acting the same way, and it would never work. There would be no world left. Therefore we embrace the laws, and those who protect us. But part of what we are makes us a little curious. How many times have you thought to yourself, "shit, I wish I could pull the trigger on (blank) for threatening me, or f'ing with my family" but couldn't for fear of the law, or morals? Then you watch a show like "The Walking Dead," and they are doing everything that you wish you could do...
Tell me that doesn't sound fun!
Not to mention that we as people always seem to think we can do things better than those who are doing them. Example: slasher flick... "Don't go into the room with that weird noise you stupid bitch! Oh crap, see?? I woulda NEVER gone into that room to investigate. That's why all these dumb assholes die in these movies!" I must have spouted those words a thousand times in my day while watching horror movies. In my mind, when I watch things on TV I'm analyzing what I would do better. It is fun to place yourself inside "that boarded up house with the mob of decaying soccer moms," and try to imagine how you would handle that situation if you were there, while channeling your inner Rambo in your head. I know if it were me, I would be running around with my Marine Corps camouflage on (sleeves rolled up), with three guns and five knives on me at all times, a back pack full of smokes and whiskey, and a cigar hanging out of my mouth during every encounter. And I wouldn't die because I wouldn't be that stupid. I would know what to do in every situation (insert head-nod here).
You know it's true. You can be the nicest, most timid person on the planet, but try denying that even though scary as hell, parts of this sound like fun. It is human nature that one takes what one wants, and I swear whoever originally came up with the idea of the zombie apocalypse was about a breaking point away from ending up in jail, and needed a way to vent some frustration.