Monday, March 19, 2012

Hide Your Kids... Hide Your Wife... Hide Your Husband-- They Knocking Down Your Windows, They SMASHING Yo People Up!

Before you say anything, just stop, and let me set this straight right now. No, this is not an outcry to save your family from a perverted, crazed, serial rapist who likes to climb into peoples' bedroom windows and try to take a nap with them. This is a far more pressing subject...

We are talking about the end of the world here baby!!

What? What do you mean Again?? You, you mean we've had this talk before? Seriously? But we're still alive... I don't get it.

Anyway, it was offered up to me as a suggestion that I write an article about the 2012 Doomsday Theories, because let's face it, that is some fun shit to discuss. Who doesn't like a little 'we're all gonna die/end of the world,' talk. Hell I thought "Armageddon" was an awesome flick (aside from Liv Tyler, she sucks something awful). However, I will be the first to admit, when this idea was offered up to me I had absolutely no clue what I would say on the subject. I thought to myself, how do you write a full and entertaining article explaining to people that they are huge tools if they believe in this crap? Then I thought, that probably wouldn't be very polite anyway. So I started doing some (limited) research on the topic-- seeing that I haven't even so much as seen the movie "2012," and therefore had no fucking clue as to what these prophecies even happen to be.

I stumbled across an article on Discovery News, by a guy named Ray Villard who debunked up to ten of the most popular of these prophecies, through either scientific or just plain logical facts. I will pick my own personal top five from these to discuss. Mainly because ten would take too damn long.

So lets get down to business...


ESCHATOLOGY- The Online Etymology Dictionary defines this as the theological study of the four last things: death, judgment, heaven, hell. In other words, it is the study of the end of the world. (1)


There are many religions and many different eschatological views to go along with them. How many times have we heard on the news that some looney-toon religious zealot was predicting the end of days, only to find out that... well, he was just a looney-toon, religious zealot predicting the end of days? The eschatological view surrounding the 2012 Doomsday stems from the ancient Mayans, and their calendar which is set to end on December 21, 2012 after a 5,126 year era-- marking the end of the world (or the world as we know it, to some of you freaks out there). It is believed by many that the Mayans ended their calendar cycle at that time because they predicted (through astronomical and religious means) that it would be on that day, and on that year, that the world would come to an end (2). Which is funny, because I suppose it's the fact that they are ancient that makes them far more enlightened than us. Like Ray Villard says in his article "Top 10 Reasons Why The World Won't End In 2012"-

"Apparently the Mayans knew something about the heavens we don't, according to numerous hot-selling 2012 doomsday books on the market. Our multi-billion dollar telescopes, space probes, and 6,000 professional astronomers somehow just can't keep up with the mystic knowledge of an ancient superstitious culture."
Clearly these Mayan folks didn't believe in Santa either. What the hell is up with the world ending four days before Christmas? That's just not fair.

Anyway, 5 Interesting 2012 Doomsday Theories, here we go:

1) Polar Shift-
The least interesting of my top five, but a commonly excepted theory that I feel should be addressed, mainly for it's relevance. Basically, in a nut shell: the magnetic poles will go on the fritz and cause a shift in the Earth's magnetic field. MAYHEM WILL ENSUE!!! The planet will attract meteors and such (and I don't mean for a hot date), and the Earth's crust will shift and break to the point where some things will sink into the ground while other's will rise up out of it. Wow, think about THAT one for a second... dead bodies much? Zombie fans, you excited yet??

2) "Planet X (Nibiru)" Will Come By For A Visit-
The hypothesized and mythical tenth planet (which is still highly debated to even exist) will fling out of orbit and come a knockin'.  And you thought meteors and asteroids were dangerous..... How do you suppose we land on/drill/blow up THAT huge bitch Bruce Willis?
3) The "Black Rift"-
It was theorized by the Mayans that our solar system will pass by a black hole in the center of the Milky Way Galaxy at the time of our inevitable doom, and suck us in completely obliterating our existence. Black holes are a scientifically recognized anomaly, so ultimately it is a fate that is never out of the realm of possibility. However, according to astronomers (who are essentially rocket scientists. You know... some of the most brilliant minds on the face of the planet) estimate that if that were to ever occur it most likely would not be for several billion years (3). That's a lot of 2012's away...

4) Galactic Alignment-
"PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWERS!!" (Robin Williams as the Genie? No?) Ok basically at the point of this galactic alignment, which actually has two different theories associated with it, there will be a COSMIC GRAVITATIONAL FORCE that will cause earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, tsunamis, hurricanes, tornadoes and basically everything else generally contained in the typical end-of-Earth type movie. In one of these theories our solar system will fall perfectly dead-center on the galactic equator (the imaginary circle outlining what is the dead center of the galaxy) both horizontally as well as vertically, so that basically we will be dead center in the galaxy, and all of the mass within the galaxy will be surrounding us. phew!! You got that? In the other theory, Jupiter and Saturn with align with one another, causing gravitational upheaval in a similar fashion. All I got to say is fuck you space. Tell me why we all can't just get along...

5) General Total Destruction-
For no good reason. Just because it happens to be convenient. Think about all of the crap that has happened over the last several years (9/11, Hurricane Katrina, Tsunamis in the far east, massive earthquakes, tornadoes, global warming etc), well guess what? All of these events are going to hit a violent, destructive peak in the year 2012. If you thought mother nature was a bitch before... just wait. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, which I suppose is the reason that there's no father nature.

So there you have it... five incredibly valid theories as to how the Earth will meet it's demise on December 21st of this year. Unfortunately I do not have an exact time for you, but with all of that evidence of inevitable destruction why are you not out partying it up? Go out, break the law, spend all your money and give your kids up for adoption. Fuck it, right? Good luck to all of you, and I hope to see you on the other side.

But in all seriousness. For in-depth debunking of all these theories visit this website

1) "eschatology." Online Etymology Dictionary. Douglas Harper, Historian. 19 Mar. 2012. <>.

2) Villard, Ray. "Top 10 Reasons Why the World Won't End in 2012." Discovery News. 4 Nov. 2009. Web. 19 Mar. 2012.

3) Villard, Ray. "Top 10 Reasons Why the World Won't End in 2012." Discovery News. 4 Nov. 2009. Web. 19 Mar. 2012.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. I would just like to say that I sang the title :)
    + this post was kinda depressing; the world is supposed to end in about 4 months and I'm blogging...


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