Saturday, March 31, 2012

When I win the $640,000,000 Mega Millions...

This is what's going to happen when I win the $640,000,000 Mega Millions:   

I am flying (non-stop, first class, because I could do that) straight to the most highly recommended cardiologist-- or cardio-surgeon -- in the world, and I am investing in the strongest heart ever known to man. I'm talking about 'living to see two hundred years old,' strong. I am going to have this sucker implanted square into my chest cavity, and have my current one ripped out (although not before having it cloned and bronzed, so that it may one day be placed into some great hall for having belonged to one of the baddest mother fuckers alive). from there I will proceed to engage in a series of supremely bad ideas...................... because I can. I mean I have a super-human fucking heart, man...!

I'm a twenty-six year old firefighter. I go to the gym four days a week. You would think I am healthy, and I suppose you would be right, except that I have the blood pressure of a forty or fifty year old. I would venture to guess that that's what happens when it runs in your family...... or when you're always angry...... or when you served in the Marine Corps....... or used to smoke a pack of cigarettes (plus) and chew a tin of tobacco, per day.......  or drink whiskey like it was glacier water to a freaking cactus. So what did I have to do to ensure that I would one day live to meet my grand children, and maybe hold onto my career that I've worked so hard for? I quit chew... I quit smoking... I cut back on drinking.... I changed my diet a little... and I took up blogging!

But look, with this new heart I will be able to do all the shit that eventually took it's toll on my health-- and not worry about it! Sometimes I don't know why I do certain things, other than because "I just can." I don't necessarily want to drink, at home, on a weeknight, with work the next day. But a quick glance at the bottle of Jack, my special glass, and an ice cube tray, and lo and behold... there goes a half a pint or a pint of the golden stuff. I started chewing tobacco back when I was in the Marines, not necessarily because of peer pressure, or boredom, but because I saw someone who had a tin of it on them one day, and I had about seven bucks or so in my pocket on the way home. Bad decisions don't stem from peer pressure, family, music, or television with me. They stem from an idea that fails to get filtered out by logic. I took on five guys at a club in Providence about seven years ago. I beat the hell out of one... all while getting the living hell beat out of me by the other four. I could have walked away. I in fact did walk away. But then, once I was clear and out of the shit... what do I say to myself?  Because I can. Oh, OK Dan. Good call. Let's go get 'em. All five.

So this sucker (talking about the heart again) is going to be strong. The strongest ever. And it's going to be expensive as hell to install. So to celebrate, the first thing I am going to do afterwards is about seven or eight shots... straight. Then, I'm going to get good and pissed off (which I am fucking Good at). It's hard to imagine getting pissed when you just hit the lottery for $600,000,000 but I'll figure it out. After all, I'll be just waking up from surgery, I'll be all groggy and discombobulated... and drunk on top of it. Yea, I'll figure it out. I'll most likely go into work the next day (or whenever my next shift is) because for one... I won't quit my job (honestly, what would we do without work? Ask a retiree how they like their life). Also, because I sure as shit won't want anyone to find out I just hit the lottery for $600,000,000. You really just don't want that kind of publicity or those kind of friends.

Next, I would do some responsible things like pay off all my debt, maybe go back to school (prob not), and pay for me and my fiance's dream house in full. Because I would want to get that out of the way before I blow millions on stupid crap like the casino and building the ultimate man cave (or four) in my attic....... and basement, back yard and in the bed of my damn truck. Or seeing that I'm such a cheap prick right now and refuse to even buy myself new clothes, maybe I'll spend ridiculous amounts of dollars on new wardrobes for no reason, like the celebrities do. I'm pretty sure I heard recently that Lil Wayne owns a pair of head phones worth upwards of $100K. Yea, I'm going to do that. Then I'm going to sell them to some other asshole for a $100K and bitch slap myself for being so stupid. Because I can.      

And let's not forget the charities..... (Yea, I'm fucking serious. Grow a heart asshole, or borrow my old one).

Oh, and I'm going to purchase the rights to 'The Jersey Shore.'

And cancel it.


I guess the bottom line here is that when I win the $600,000,000 Mega Millions I'm going to have some fun, which lately I haven't really done too often. And I'm going to do it with no financial concerns (no shit) and no health concerns (thanks to my new ticker). But I'm not going to change... much. Ok, yea I'm going to change... a lot. But whatever, I'll be so filthy rich I won't give a shit's stink what you think. hahahahahaha-

Wait, wait... it's twelve fucking forty in the morning and Mega Millions was drawn already. I have yet to hear any screaming from anyone I played my numbers with. Somebody explain to me how the fuck this happened!!! I honestly didn't see this coming. I figured with all the hype and everyone buying tickets, this was a sure thing! Fuck me right? Fuck my heart, and rock on with Pauly D and Snooki. Scratch everything I said..................... I care what you think. You're still cool.


  1. Damn Dan, you should be a writer not a firefighter.....I love it!!!

  2. Good article - pretty entertaining I must say.


You read this for a reason. Therefore, you must have something to say. Positive or negative, doesn't matter to me. Your input matters